Survey Hell

My Script Treatment for Black Mirror

6:00 AM: Wake up, check my credit rating and dating apps before getting out of bed. Bad news and no news, respectively. Start to sob. Wipe my tears and blow my nose.

6:05 AM: Receive email from Kleenex.com.

“Good morning! We noticed you just used a Kleenex brand tissue and hope that you enjoyed the experience! Please let us know how we did! Your feedback is important to us!

• Were you happy with your overall experience with Kleenex Brand tissues this morning?
• What could have made your experience better?
• Based on this experience, would you recommend Kleenex Brand to a friend?
• The next time you cry, how likely will you be to use a Kleenex Brand tissue?

6:15 AM: Finish the Kleenex survey. Open up the Insight Timer app for my 20-minute meditation.

6:40 AM: Finish meditation. Receive email from Insight Timer.

“Good morning! We noticed you just meditated for 20-minutes and hope you enjoyed the experience! Please let us know how we did! Your feedback is important to us!

• Were you happy with your overall experience with Insight Timer this morning?
• What could have made your experience better?
• What are the common obstacles in your day that hinder your mindfulness and ability to be in the moment?
• Based on this experience, would you recommend Insight Timer to a friend?
• The next time you meditate, how likely will you be to use Insight Timer?

7:00 AM: Arrive at Starbucks for breakfast. Order breakfast sandwich and cup of tea. Sit down to read newspaper and eat.

7:30 AM: Receive email from Starbucks.

“Good morning! We noticed you just ordered a Grande English Breakfast Tea and a Reduced-Fat Turkey Bacon & Cage Free Egg White Breakfast Sandwich and hope you enjoyed the experience! Please let us know how we did! Your feedback is important to us!

• Were you happy with your overall experience with Starbucks this morning?
• What could have made your experience better?
• Did you enjoy your lighting connection to Google Internet that tracked your every call, text and movement while at Starbucks?
• When you used the restroom those two times, did you find that it was cleaned to your satisfaction?
• Why did you use the restroom more than once in a half hour?
• Based on this experience, would you recommend Starbucks to a friend?
• The next time you go out for breakfast, how likely will you be to visit Starbucks?

7:40 AM: Complete Starbucks survey and drive to office.

8:00 AM: Check email. Receive income tax returns from my accountants, The Valley CPA Group. Sign returns and e-file.

8:15 AM: Receive email from accountants.

“Good morning! We noticed you just signed your returns and e-filed! Our bill is attached and payment is due immediately. Along with your check, your feedback is important to us! Please let us know how we did!

• Were you happy with your overall experience with The Valley CPA Group?
• Having provided us accurate financial reports from your accounting software via email on a timely basis, how could we have made the experience of losing your original email, requesting the files again on April 12, spending hours on the phone with you asking impenetrable accounting questions we know you can’t answer about the numbers instead of simply looking at the impeccable financial reports better?
• How would you feel about paying us now for your 2019 returns?
• Based on this experience, would you recommend The Valley CPA Group to a friend?
• If you don’t send your check a year in advance for your 2019 returns, how likely will you be to use The Valley CPA Group the next time you file your taxes?

8:30 AM: Complete Valley CPA survey and write two checks to cover my 2018 and my advance payment on 2019. Receive email from IRS.

“Good morning! We noticed you just submitted your personal income tax return for 2018 and we hope you enjoyed the experience! Please let us know how we did! Your feedback is important to us!

• Were you happy with your overall experience paying taxes to the IRS?
• What could have made your experience of parting with your hard-earned money to pay the salaries of Donald Trump, Mitch McConnell and fund the border wall even better?
• Based on this experience, would you recommend the IRS to a friend?
• The next time you file your taxes, how likely will you be to use the IRS?

8:45 AM: Complete IRS survey and leave office for 9:00 AM Urologist appointment.

9:00 AM: Arrive at doctor’s office. Fill out endless forms with complete medical history as I have for past four visits. Provide driver’s license and insurance card for them to photocopy. Again. Sit in waiting room for 40 minutes. Try to read on iPad but their “Guest” internet connection does not work. Called for urine sample and moved to examination room. Wait for 20 minutes. Doctor arrives, asks me if I am following his Instagram. Requests that I post a positive review of him on Yelp and suggests specific quotes. Examines me in less than five minutes and is out the door to see the next patient before I can ask any questions about my health.

10:30 AM: Go to different floor in medical building for blood tests ordered by Urologist.

11:00 AM: Arrive back in office. Receive email from Urologist.

“Good morning! We noticed you just visited L.A. Urology Associates for your annual check-up and we hope you enjoyed the experience! Please let us know how we did! Your feedback is important to us!

• Were you happy with your overall experience at L.A. Urology Associates?
• Please rank, in order from “enjoyed most” to “enjoyed least,” the following: Digital exam, filling out forms, no Internet in lobby, magazines from 2016 and older in lobby, waiting in lobby, waiting in examination room, providing urine specimen.
• What could have made your experience better?
• Based on this experience, would you recommend L.A. Urology Associates to a friend?
• The next time you require a urology check-up, how likely will you be to use L.A. Urology Associates?

11:15 AM: Complete Urologist survey. Receive email from Quest Diagnostics.

“Good morning! We noticed you just submitted you visited Quest Diagnostics for blood tests and we hope you enjoyed the experience! Please let us know how we did! Your feedback is important to us!

• Were you happy with your overall experience Quest Diagnostics?
• What could have made your experience better?
• On a scale of one to five, with one meaning “very uncomfortable” and five meaning “I’m suffering emotional trauma and physical pain from this big needle you just stuck in my vein,” how would you rate your visit?
• Would you like to sign up for our free emails that will educate you on all the other real and imagined ailments for which you absolutely need additional blood tests?
• Would you be interested in our loyalty program where you are rewarded valuable points and rewards for every ounce of blood we draw?
• Based on this experience, would you recommend Quest Diagnostics to a friend?
• The next time you need or want blood drawn, how likely will you be to use Quest Diagnostics?

11:30 AM: Complete Quest Diagnostics survey. Receive email from client.

“Where is the report? It was due last week! What do you do all day? Why can’t you do your work? Why don’t you respond to our calls or emails? You’re fired!”

11:40 AM: Receive email from client’s procurement department.

“Good morning! We noticed that we have just fired you! Please let us know how we did! Your feedback is important to us!

• Were you happy with your overall experience being fired?
• What could have made your experience better?
• Was your negligence in handling our business in any way related to our 150-day payment terms?
• Specifically, what is it about doing work in January and getting paid in July that was objectionable?
• Based on this experience, would you recommend our company to other marketing services firms?
• The next time you want to get fired, how likely will you be to respond to an RFP from our company?

12:00 Noon: Complete client survey. Leave office. Find closest dive bar. Drink shots of tequila chased with cheap beer until 6:00 PM. Order Uber and go home.

6:15 PM          Receive surveys from dive bar and Uber…