Amazon Wants to Scan Your Body. What Could Go Wrong?

An Adweek post describes how “Amazon Might Use 3D Body Scans to Customize Clothes—and Also Capture Your Data,” adding – as if they had to tell us – that “there’s the potential to identify and track consumers.”

The timing of this couldn’t be better in the wake of the FaceApp news last week, another incident leaving us more than a bit less trusting about Big Tech’s intentions. But rest assured, Amazon only has our best interests in mind.

In an emailed statement, an Amazon spokesperson said it has not made any announcements about its subsidiary Body Labs, where it is conducting the scans, but “understanding body shape will help us design better products and technologies,” including what it called innovative shopping experiences. The company also said it wants to give consumers confidence in how things look and fit, but it did not comment further on what that might entail.

This led me to start wondering, what, precisely, did they had mind for those “innovative shopping experiences” based on body type?

I was so happy to save nearly $30 on my Wireless Presenter Rechargeable Green Light Hyperlink Volume Control USB Presentation PowerPoint Clicker Remote on Prime Day that I thought I’d return the favor for helping brainstorm some ideas for Amazon.

Thinking from Amazon’s perspective, these suggestions would have to be positive, constructive and inspiring. Personal well-being must be valued over monetization. In addition to “better shopping experiences,” Amazon’s goal is to “design better products and technologies. It’s all about the consumer! And never would they compromise your trust with any sensitive information.

With that in mind, here are a few starter ideas.

You could stand to put on some weight! You eat like a bird! Click here to save on Ensure and click here for your subscription to Omaha Steaks.

We’re sorry you’re only 5’1” with those short legs, but click here to link to our partners offering clothes just for you. High-waist lines, monochromatic outfits, crop tops and high heels all to transform your look and put you in touch with your inner long-limbed svelteness.

Hey Bro, what’s with the small hands? From what we can see the rest of your body is proportional, but we have a feeling that you might want to click here to save on this three-month supply of Daily Male Enhancement Supplements.

You have an unusually stubby neck. Click here for deals on turtlenecks.

Your sister, brother, parents and grandparents all have dramatically different body types than you.   What’s up with that? Click here for deals on 23 & Me.

Your clothes will now fit perfectly but we’ve seen your face. Click here for great deals on Amazon self-help books,

You’ve gained weight! Your waistline has gone from 34” to 40” in six months! Are you stressed? Depressed? Click here to connect our newest service, Amazon Analysts, certified psychotherapists you can text with 24/7. They’ll set you straight and will never, ever use your private sessions to generate product suggestions or sell information on your innermost fears and dreams to anyone else. Trust us on this.

Maybe you’ve got some ideas as well. Let me know what they are!